..::Toolesque.Times::..

I am more depressed than ever. My doc changed me from Zoloft, which I've been on for three years, to Cymbalta recently.
I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior, got sober, have a kick ass life... I don't understand why I am so sad all the time. I feel like it's chronic, never gunna go away. I feel my marriage falling apart sometimes, I'm overwhelmed by being a parent all the time, I quit college after one semester that I didn't even finish, I don't take good care of my house, I sleep all the time, I'm lazy, I smoke too much and do not take care of myself.
I wanna scream. I wanna run away. I have always felt outside of this world. Separate from everyone else. Like I'm just too strange for anyone to care about. People care about me, but always end up feeling like I'm too much for them. No one really understands me. I can't type either. I don't know what to do to get better. To stop feeling so alone and apart from everyone else. I feel hopeless. Like I will never get better, I will never change, i will be stuck hating myself forever.

I love watching movies, espescially British ones, sos I can escape for an hour and a half. I'm going to rent The English Patient tonight. I wanna crawl up with my big warm blanky on my big soft couch in my warm fuzzy jammies with some hot tea and enjoy some out of mind experiences. No kids. Just me and Annette. She moved in with us from Coos Bay (Kev's Mom) Its actually going really well I think. its uncanny how much we have in common. Its almost hard to believe. We had a similar upbringing, we have identical personality traits, quarks, problems and feelings. I like having her here. It is weird sometimes, liek having another addict in the house, becasue we have that addict/alcoholic personality, but overall I appreciate it and her.

I cant believe I quit school. I'm suuuuch a loser!!!

I don't want to forget who i really am. I am an artist, I am ecclectic, eccentric, quarky, odd, beautiful, wise, afraid, tubular, and radical.

Damn. Talk about NEVER updating. I NEVER update LJ anymore. WHAT is wrong with me? It's not that I have nothing going on, I have PLENTY going on, enough for three or four blogs, I just can't get up the strength to type it all.

Let's see...

In school full time at the measley little Community College here. Taking English 101, Journalistic Writing, Pre-Algerbra (stfu), and Computer Graphics.
I really thought I wanted to be a graphic designer becasue I can draw and I am good with Photoshop. Well, there's a bit more to Graphics than PS and some photographs. Illustrator? WHO invented THAT? And how the FUCK do you use it? Ugh I am failing this class worse that any other. I;'m doing best in the class I suck at the worst, Math, and shitty in my English class. I love English. I'm GOOD at grammar and thought process, and language. Just not MLA format, or thesis. Sad.

Anyway.
Kevin's Ma moved in here with us from Coos Bay.
It's been shaky, she's been ere a few weeks. She has just started her job today. I am happy for her. I want to go back to work. After I barely pass college... with a Bachelors. I suck.

Also, I have became a Christian. I typically do not like to make these things public, but I've publicized enough of the bad parts of my personality, why not this. It's a pretty personal thing, and I am going to post my testimony as soon as I get up the nerve. It's pretty awesome.

Uggh. That's not that much really... I thought I had a whole book of things to update on.

I got Wii Fit. I love it.

My best friend Tessa is coming through here to stay with me for a day on her way from Arkansas to oregon with her fiance and her little boy. That will be fun, we havent seen eachother in years. I'm back in talking relationship with my other besty, Reanna. We had a fight a few years ago and just recently are friends again. Sher also lives in Oregon.
Hmmm, Kev is still in the Air Force.
I have been sober for over 90 days. Back in A.A. it's awesome.
My dad is good, his GF Charlotte is good.
I been sick with a bad cold for a few days.
I'm having a Thanksgiving dinner here. That's exciting. I like to cook for lots of people. Dunno who is coming. Got invited to spend it with my stepmothers family in Denver, but it's just too far and Kev wants to stay here. Bummed about that. I love my sister and nieces and nephews. Maybe for Christmas.
Well, that wraps it up I think.
Life is... good. Overall, I have no complaints.
Unitl next time... It isn't going to be a year from now either, I'll get better. I will.

We lost our baby dog, Cora late last night. Kevin found her this morning.
I had taken her to the vet a week ago, her hips were bothering her, she was unable to walk downstairs, up, and sometimes, she couldn't even make it across the floor. The vet said she may have arthritis. They prescribed an anti-inflammatory /pain medication called Rimadyl. She took it twice a day for a week. She took it with no problems. Yesterday, she was vomiting. Allover. Like over 50 times I'm willing to bet. I called the vet, a different vet, who said to not give her anything for the night and see how she was in the morning. She vomited all night. Kevin put her on the couch to rest. And sometime in the night she left.

At first, I was very shocked, angry, appalled, furious. Then, it started to sink in, I started to feel guilty... becasue I feel I should have ran her to the vet lastnight regaurdless. And now shes dead.

My relationship with Cora has been beneficial, interesting, crazy, and amazing.
I have never been a fan of dogs. EVER. I would even go as far as to say that I dispised dogs
I never wanted a dog. Kevin LOVES dogs. Loves. To the point of insanity. He takes in every dog he can, any time  we see a stray, he's right there to feed and nurture.  And I come along to clean up after it... grumbling, hating and resenting all the way.

With Cora it was different. She was the pet of our friends, Crystal & Brian. She spent a lot of time at our house, playing with the kids, playin with Kevin. She was such a quiet, fun, peaceful, loving dog.

Crystal & Brian had to move to Texas, so they asked us to keep Cora for them. Ugh, I was like whatever. I guess, she's not that bad...

She changed who I am.
She changed they way I view other forms of life. Other species. She continued every day to make me happy, and love me, show me that it's ok to love animals. She played with us, she protected the kids, she licked my face... she ate all the broccollis. She let my husband fufill his destiny of having a dog. And she was so good. She was so well-behaved. Potty trained, peaceful, loyal. To the end. I love her so much. I can't believe she died.
Today is so dreary. It's rany, cold, I'm slightly hungover, and my baby dog is gone.
We said our goodbyes at the back of the van. Kevin an I took  her to the vet. They will have her creamated. THe kids are upset. Their first experience with death. And I think Kein handled it marvelously. He told them when they got up, and talked to then individualy about her death. Then took us all out to the van where her body was so they could pet her and say goodbye. I think that was imprtant. I think it built strength in them, and helped them deal with a reality of existance. I never got that, and perhaps that attributed to my fear of dogs... pets... I don't wanna lose anymore.
I'm relieved my doggy is no longer ill. That she doesnt hurt and have to take shitty medicine. I feel strange weeping. Over her. I have never wept for an animal. But.. it seems to me that she really wan't an animal. She was so wise, and amazing, she was almost a teacher to me. And I will always be thankful to her for that.

I really fell for her recently.
I started to do things I thought she would like. I bought her a Love Glove.. or whatever, to brush her hair. I brushed her about every day. I brushed her teeth. I was always the one to bathe her. I pretended as if she annoyed me, but I was so in love with her. I loved to take care of her. It made me feel great. I loved to see her tail wag, I loved to know that she was happy. I bought her treats, I snuck her food all the time, I let her kiss my face whenever she wanted.. I adored her. I miss her terribly.

I have always drawn.

In school, I was always one of the two or three kids that had any artistic ability. I have always been told that I was a great artist.
I never thought you could use art for anything serious, such as a career, or make any real money from it. Then I started to learn the ins and outs of the art world, and I know now that there is a market for art... it's just really fucking hard to get into. You either have what people want, or you are just another artist. It's such a touchy realm for people. People who want art, want something specific, something that is even a bit personal of themselves, and the people who buy this stuff, generally do not have any artistic tendencies. So, you are either really lucky, and have something that they want, or you just struggle... and I have never been about to take that chance.

I took a few years off from art, about seven actually. I didn't draw, maybe a doodle while I was on the phone, but had not once thought about art and that I wanted to do it ever again. Now that I am back in the flow of my creativeness, I am realizing that taking those years off from creating has put a serious damper on my abilities. My drive, in turn, is suffering, and even though I know I want to create desperately, and that it is the best, most natural thing in the world to me, something is holding me back. I have no ideas. I have some useful, unique skills, that others wold honestly give their leg for, but I have no clue how to apply them.

And now I am going back to college... for what, I have no fucking clue. Art has always been a natural ability that I have always taken for granted. And now that I need it, I don't have it. Not  at the level that I need it. I do want to go ahead, full force into the art field, majoring, delving into all mediums of art, because I know how comfortable I am there, I know that I could pass by as an artist... and learn new techniques and learn exactly how to apply my own. But another part of me wants to go with something safe. Like Biology, or Science, or Law, or even Graphic Design. Something that may assure my future as... something. Not just someone who knows how to draw well. I am so confused and frustrated.

I got my acceptance letter today, and I am going to make an appt. with the counselor at the school, to go over all of these issues with them and get some sound advice... I just want to be a better artist. I feel like I would be a better person if I had my artistic life together more. If I could pursue what is natural to me and go far... I wouldn't even be worrying... I don't know what the fuck I want to do...

So, here I am .. ouside the house I have lived in for over three years. The longest I have ever lived anywhere that was my own.
About to move out. Into my OWN house. Kevin and I are buying a house. Our first ever. We found a 5 bedroom, well 4 really, with an amazing bonus room and bathroom for the kids. It was built in 1926, it's been updated with the exception of the cabinets. Which we are going to change. We have a lot of things we are going to change, in time, we will have all the time in the world kuz it will be OUR house!!! I am so excited. I am going back to work soon, as soon as I find the right place, part time, waitressing prolly. WHILE I AM GOING TO SCHOOL! I m going back to college full time. General Studies at fiorst, I think, unless I study Science, which I want to, I need some kind of substantial degree. I am applying for tons and tons of scholarships, in hopes that I get at least one. I do want to study Art or Photography, but seriously, there is no money in that right now. I want to eventually become a MArine Biologist, it's what I have always wanted to be since like 2nd or 3rd grade, but theres no program here in the fuck crack of the country.

Arabella will be two on the 14th.

Crazy.

I got a new diamond ring

.

SO between raising my children and keeping my house... recognizable as a house at least... I am losing it.

I don't know what to do about my oldest. He is just... disturbed or something. He seems to have a dillemma with doing the right thing even when no one is looking.  Integrity... It's a word that means a lot to my husband, a lifestyle really. He is the most responsible man alive I think. Neve r really taken a chance on too many things... but he has had a great life so far. He's always a person I can count on, always even if he is stressed, tired, angry, or sad...

Ugh anyway... I really wanted to blog this, but now I'm just so tired o dealing with it, I want to go read and go to sleep. Listen to obscure British Indie music.

Here's some shots I took on my crappy cell phone of the crime, and the perp...
and the punishment.



HERE we have exhibit A

The candy
That my six year old son thought he could get up early to plot out and act out stealing form the top of our refridgerator. By climbing on to the counter. Then hiding it in his bedroom. When I got up, his younger brother told me what was going on... and here comes Brandon, bounding out of the living room, stuttering at the sight of me after I asked what it was he was dong. "Playing HIde&Seek..."

It's actions like this that he has done since he able. Sneaking, stealing and lying. It's like an addiction to him, he can't seem to stop it. He lies about everything. He does mean things to his brother, and his little sister... he never apologizes for anything... We have tried every tactic known to parenting ever... he jsut... doesn't listen, or respond to any of it...



Here he is writng lines for me.
I didn't know how else to get it through to him.
Kevin & I talked to him for an hour about all of the things we want for him, the choices he makes, and the consequences he has to face...
It may have been a bit overboard, considering he is six years old, bu he just doesnt act like one. He doesn't seem inncoent at all... I'm scared for him sometimes.



It says, "I will always do the right thing."

I hope he does.

I have finally come to the undeniable conclusion that I am, in fact, not a lesbian.

Which kind of bums me out... but I love gorgeous men.

I want to fuck them all.









omg i need help. I love men.

I really wish I could forget you. Forever. I wish you didn't linger in my heart, way back in the little hole you chisled with your charm. I wish I could hate you a little. I wish you would answer my questions, just the way I want them answered. I wish what I need to hear were true. I wish you hurt as bad as I do.  It's very random, this pain, which makes it more terrifying, frusterating, and overwhelming. I never know if something will remind me of you. Of one thing we did, or something you said, or a place we used to go.SOmetimes it's the smell of a breeze, blowing by, leading me on, as you once did, only to be gone just a quickly.

I see your pictures.. you run from me, and my eyes... I can't really see you. I want you to see me. I torture myself after a while. I fight the urge to find you again... and lose every time.
I can't get over this heart of mine being broken. It's like the  scarring is so bad, I can't help but be reminded most of the time. I am so angry and hurt still. I dont love you, i dont hate you, i dont miss you, need you, want you, like you... I just... want you to go away...

Ha.
K it's over.

I'm sooo tired. I haven't slept at all lately.

It has NOT snowed here. It's been snowing everywhere else.
Even Vegas, Baby.

Well, the day was fairly uneventful. Woke up at 7 lay there waiting for the kids to wake up, got up and 8, kids opened presents.
 


There's a blurry Bayd opening...something.







Aww. Arabella, also opening something. I was so tired, and the camera was screwing up. I used our old little 4mp point & shoot. I hate it, but I wasn't luggin out my baby that early... the Canon. So, here are these...



Annnd Brandon, opening... a present.

Here are more random pics from our holidays:



Brandon's tribute to Saint Nick.
Tee Hee.



Here's the first day of decorating.
Awww.



Only snow we've gotten!!!!!!!!!
This is about two or three weeks ago.



Ok, so this was a couple days before the pretty tree one, becasue this is in fact, as much snow as we have gotten here so far.
The boys playing with our dog, Cora.



Woooo! Cooooold!






Awww, the Boo Bear!! With no hat. Or gloves...



I found her in her bed one night waiting for hugs and kisses. She had decided to start a bit of light bedtime reading while waiting. I put her "pwiitties" in her hair earlier. Hair curlers of mine that she LOVES.



We made some Gingerbread Mens for Santa.






In go my Men of Ginger-ness



AGH... what's this about?




Aaaaand the happy fam.

K thanks for love. I'll update more details, like things we all got for gifts, things we gave.. blah blah blah.

K bye.

Hope you had a rad Christmas!

Well, from now on... anyone who wants can read my journal. I have had it for so long, I do not want to start a new one, just so I don't have to unblock the hundreds of entries I have on here.

Anyone interested in the past three or four years of my private life, may email me, and I'll... consider adding you. Not that ppl don't have better things to do than read my LJ.

ANYwho... had a beautiful sunset today.


















EH?

Nothing spectacular, I just couldn't help rushing out there to see it and snap it. Something about it... I loved.

6 more days until Christmas! I can't wait until the kids don't believe in Santa anymore. It'll save us a lot of hiding and sneaking. Oh well, I enjoy it now. Kev and I opened our socks the other night. We just can't stand it every year. We get so excited to give one another our gifts, and we hint for a day and ask questions for another, till we've both just gone nuts and we end up opening half our gifts before Xmas Eve.
Kev got me some snowman toe socks. I haben't ever had any toe socks, and I adore snowmen. I got some pop flavroed chapstick, and an external hard drive. 250 GB I believe. Which is fabulous, I am needing it these days. I use space like no other. I rarely delete a photpo, in case I can use it years down the road. I have... I forget I have tghem most of the time though.
I also got some Bliss chocolate, it is as it says... it is soooo amazing!

I got Kev a new wedding band, engraved, it says Kevin & Charleen in it. He looks so great with it on. I also got him a bottle of Vampire Merlot, and a bottle of the same Cabernet. He likes that brand of wine.


I'm not much fir wine myself, but I am ready to try it! I also got him a Trivium zip-up Hoodie. I hope he loves it.

ANd I got him Ninja Gaiden II. For 19.99!! RADIO SHACK! Regularly 75.00 I believe. Quite a deal. I rocks. Oh I got him some cologne form Bath&Body Works.


I fucking love that store.
My favorite scent fromt here is Blackberry Amber.

It has been discontinued.
If you have some, send it to me please.

Ok, well, I have rambled enough.

I suppose, when someone finds my journal, they'll see the first few entries, from 2006, and then a few years missing and them this ebtry... and they will be confused. But for som,e reason, LJ doesn't wanbt to make anything easy, we have to make each entry public or private individually. And there are... HUNDREDS. So, deal.
K peace.

Did ya know u can only have 150 interests...

I know I post this a lot but it needs to be said a lot. Some of you seem to need a reminder once in a while...

I am the Leetest, baddest ass mother fucker around...

Ya herdit'?

Why cant you ALL see that? Am I not REMINDING you enough? I really am so worth your time... I love you all, you all are bad ass too trust me I see that, but damn I just really think I am awesome. I dont know why. Im just... leet.... ok... thats all.

Hey when did the first lady get a mind of her own? For her first balls out appearance Id say she did fair. She was shaky and nervous and definetly trying too hard. But.. what can we really expect? If my wife did that Id smack her up though. So we shouldnt be surprised when we next see her if shes in a sling or something.. being quiet. Odds are she'll never speak again. George is such a pussy.

JUST A REMINDER FOLKS


JUUUNE 30TH

2005


CHARLEEN IS TURNING 21 YEARS OLD.

There are going to be some festivities arranged. Punch and cookies will be available.

YOU ARE ALL INVITED.

HANJI...

AGAIN:
JUNE THE 30th

CHARLEEN WILL BE WASTED AS FUCK.

Thank you.


I better get some lovin from some you folks on this day too bitches. Ya herr me? Sheeit.

Thank you my lovelies...

GOD DAMMIT GWEN STEFANI IS SO WHITE!!!!!!!!!!! If I hear her trashy mouth say Holla back girl ONE MORE FUCKIN TIME in her little ghetto gear and bling bling Im flip out and track her down and skin her alive. Bitch. I'll holla back at her skanky ass. Man she used to rock a little bit... in a BAND... with MUSIC!!!!!! damn... anyway... uh...

people freak me out. People I dont know talkin to me as if they do... Im... un-easy. I need a smoke... I should go.. Ill write more later ya'll know I always have a lot to say... all.... TWO of you or whatever that read this...

K gangstuh', Meet the Damn Barkers is on TOo-nOiT' AT Ten p to the M. Ya I said to the..

ANOTHER IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO TOTALLY ROCK:
SUNDAY,
MAY FIRST
(the first day in the month of May)

9 PM

FAMILY GUY FOLKS, FAMILY FREAKING GUY

NEW SEASON


I AM, NEEDLESS TO SAY< JAZZED

that is all...

k and Sam fisher is my boi'. (check out chaos theory if you haven't yet and if you care...)

k now that is all...

yo yo yo yo check it out yo yo yo... I been walkin God like a dog... "

Ok Not really. I got a paid account finally... just for a couple months to see if its worth it... So far so good. Bayds making me nervous whining. i need a smoke... ima go...

wow, shes so fuckin lucky we live in completely diferent states... she should start wishing she lived on another planet. Or at least another country.... she CALLED AVI AT WORK.... and dont ask me how the fuk she got the number if they arent talking or she dosent know where he is,,, which she does every time hes down there... anyway... called him and told him i was harassing her with emails... made me sound like apsycho bitch.. and wrote me an email saying how i took her Lexy or something, or fucked with her Lexy.. whoever that is, she apperently calls him another guys name, one of his friends she in love with and like pretends avi is him or some shit I DUNNO. But shes a lunatic and i hate her. Avi had to be let off work early to calm down because hes so furious with me. I thought he was gunna break up with me. I felt so stupid.. i knew hed find out.. im sooo lame.. god why am i so stupid...
anywho shes a fuckin... omg a somethin.. i cant even tell what she is ive never encountered her equal.... i never got on her fat ass about constantly talkin to MY MAN, callin our house and his cell phone all the time .. it irritated me but i left it alone... fuck i hope she really lives in LA like i think she does so when i get there she can look me in the face and i can erase hers. fuck im mad....

god dont you all realize how hilarious and bad ass I am? Seriously... damn